Just Blah

That's exactly how I am feeling today. I love my babies with all my heart but I feel like I am going crazy. I am cooped up in the house with them all day long and the only time I get a break from them is if I get to go to the grocery store. Which usually only takes a couple hours and then I'm right back at home. Casey is working all the time now and even on his days off he is working with my dad. We only have one car so therefore I am stuck at home when he is working at Home Depot and when he is working with my dad I have the car but of course lately it has been too cold to take the babies anywhere. I feel like I am in a rut and I can't get out of it. I don't really have any friends around here and the ones I do are almost always working or don't have kids. We are trying to find a house to move to since we are running out of room here where we are and it's not easy to find something when you don't have the money to move and you struggle to survive every month. Yes we do get help but that only helps with the groceries. I never in my life thought that I would feel like I do because I can't help provide for my family (money wise anyways). I know I provide for them by staying at home with the babies but I know Casey feels the struggle to trying to provide for 4 people when for so long it was just him. This probably doe not make a whole lot of sense but I just feel like screaming because I don't know what to do. I miss my angels everyday and I know they are in a better place but it's still hard even though I do have the twins. I hope some way we are able to get a house and not have to struggle more than we already are to survive.

Another Day

I used to always wonder why God choose to take not only one baby from me but five and I guess it was because I was suppose to have my rainbow twins. Twins do not run on either side of our families so I know it was truly a blessing for me to have them. They are a lot of work but in the end it's totally worth it.

Where to Begin

Where do I begin.....I became a mommy to an angel in 2002 at the age of 20. I lost my first baby a week after I got married. I don't know if the baby was a boy or a girl. I feel that the baby was a girl. She passed away at 16 weeks gestation. I didn't get pregnant again till 2005. I had a normal pregnancy until my 20 week ultrasound where we found out we were having a boy and that he was measuring way smaller than he should have been. The doctors were not sure why so the scheduled me for an amniocentesis to try to better determine what was wrong. Well it didn't tell them anything, so we just had to wait it out until he was born. I was scheduled for a c-section on February 1, 2006. At 9:04 a.m. my sweet Drake Alexander made his appearance into the world. He didn't cry and I only got to see him for just a brief second before they took him to the NICU. The doctors finished stapling me up and as they were wheeling me to recovery they took me by the NICU to see him. I had to stay in bed the whole first day but after that I was down in the NICU visiting Drake as much as I could. The doctors told us that Drake had microcephalic osteodysplastic primordial dwarfism (this means Drake's brain did not develop past that of a 10-15 week old fetus, While Drake's body would have been able to live his brain was not developed enough to keep his lungs working. On February 5, 2006 we decided to take Drake off all the monitors and the vent. I carried him into the family room and we all just sat in the room and I loved on him and talked to him while he took his last breath. I don't know what time it was or how long I held him but that didn't really matter at the time. Drake was born and passed away in Fort Worth, Texas but he is laid to rest in Jacksonville, Florida. I held in my grief for a long time until one day I just kinda exploded. I did not get pregnant again until June 2007. I lost that baby shortly after I took the test and found out I was pregnant. I believe I was around 6 weeks. Then I got pregnant again in July 2007. I lost that one a couple days after I found out. I became pregnant again the end of November 2008. We found out at 9 1/2 weeks that the baby has stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat. The doctor setup a D&C for a week later. I have since then gotten divorced after being married for almost 10 years and I have moved back to Georgia. I have been reacquainted with a longtime family friend and we have been together for almost 2 years and my rainbow boy/girl twins were born on April 18, 2012.